I feel the need to lead in that I am generally an empowering, positive individual. I believe I am a good person and I strive to be more of a Godly person everyday.
I have to keep in mind that my general "attitude of gratitude" keeps me focused and THAT is what I emanate from my core interactions with others. One of the maintenance guys for our apartment property said he knew I was an "angel" and thankful for their work without saying it because "he knew that's is how I am." What an amazing blessing and needed recognition that left me speechless.
Over and over again I have punished myself for what must I be doing wrong to gather the interactions I have among some, not all, locals in St. Thomas. I am blessed to meet some amazing families through the St. Thomas Reformed Church here. However, even that community heeds warnings that this island has changed for the worse over the years and issues precaution in venturing out, especially at night, into the exact areas tourists flock during the day.
The impact of the struggles we have here, the verbal altercations, the lack of courtesy when so much of it is demanded were beyond the hardship we expected when moving so far from home. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot avoid it. I do not welcome it. I want to protect my family and friends from it.
That in and of itself is what I might most frightening. When I start my emotional distress from the verbal and attempted physical assaults I do not find solace. The stories of other women in my life in St. Thomas are reflections of my own experiences. We do not have the independence here we enjoy in the states. Yes, crime happens everywhere, but as my husband pointed out moments ago, in the 12 plus years we have been together he has never seen or heard me so upset and dealing with so many problems that I cannot go out alone. Our quality time is compromised as venturing out for groceries or to do laundry alone seems to incite the numerous people loitering and sometimes even shopping that they have found a target for their proposed inequities.
So what do you do when that core strength you have to lead a life of adventure, celebrating the moment, defying others wishes for what is your own decisions, become an ordeal. I do not want to think, react, or be this way...leading a clandestine life recluse by my own desires and decisions. I do not want anyone to ever feel I am less than gracious for their presences, their connection, their engagement, their friendship and love. So how do you find your way back to that sense of adventure when it has become what is lacking in definition, an ordeal?
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